"Why didn't you say something sooner?!"
Because of responses like "Why didn't you say something sooner..."

#AbuseCulture #silencing

If you're someone who is trying to be there for an abuse survivor and you said stuff like this? Don't worry. You can apologise and repair the relationship if there was damage.

In fact, proving that apologising is possible and not a power play and not a big deal or an injury to your pride, and that relationships can be developed, strengthened and even repaired? That is one of THE most powerful things you can do for a survivor!

The worst wounds that abuse inflicts is by hurting relationships and by teaching unhealthy dynamics and attitudes, like entitlement, as the supposed norm. It is easy to disprove that just by being a friend, a flawed messy HUMAN BEING who doesn't need either of us to be perfect.

#AbuseCulture #abuse #AbuseSurvivor #ally #relationships

yes abusers and enablers really do this. no it doesn't make sense. yes sometimes well meaning people say thoughtless things like these. but abusers employ these strategically, as weapons. and then the more contradictory they are, the harder it is for victims to make sense of it and to escape the mental maze. the nonsense is an effective and insidious strategy in such cases.

#AbuseCulture #abuse #AbuseSurvivor

"Why didn't you say something sooner?!"
Because of responses like "Why didn't you say something sooner..."

#AbuseCulture #silencing

OK other things I can think of, none of which substitute KICKING RAPISTS OUT:

Stop silencing and blaming victims/survivors.

Go out of your way to support victims/survivors speaking up. This is gonna be invaluable to YOU too. It's ok to be selfish enough that you're gonna actively support your best allies.

Abuse survivors are your best allies because they know how abusers work and how to survive that.

Learn about common abuse and manipulation tactics and their underlying beliefs, attitudes and worldviews. These have striking commonalities between domestic abusers, corrupt fossil fuel companies, oppressive governments, fascists, religious fundamentalists, scammers and police. So it's important to know about that stuff to have an impact as a climate justice movement ANYWAY.

Make rapists afraid.

#AbuseCulture #RapeCuture #feminism #ClimateJustice #antifa #acab #MakeRapistsAfraidAgain

I'm on @delta delta chat now! I want to host a group for abuse survivors and those who question whether they were or are experiencing or witnessing abuse or coercive control or undue influence or someone is using power over them and retaliating against them when they don't "behave".

I myself survived childhood sexual abuse, incest, abuse by a cult, my therapist, psychiatry nurses, sibling, friends, queerplatonic partner/girlfriend, roommate and harrassment from a nazi neighbor plus landlords. I kinda got a bad start to life (in germany) and then people tended to make it worse instead of helping me or they took advantage of me.

So I learned a lot about what does and doesn't help!

And I want to help you out, whether you went through something you fear no one will believe or be able to stomach hearing about, or you think it was probably nothing and you overreact. You don't overreact! Nothing is too small to be worth talking about.

I'm making a space to have a warm, supportive, good vibes atmosphere that we co-create together. We'll help each other grow and see through confusions and distortions of the truth and gain more agency, to make choices, decisions and do stuff and have an impact on the world.

We'll also have fun and laugh and cry and eat cookies and discover what it's like to argue with someone who doesn't slice you to ribbons emotionally.

Anyone is welcome regardless of age, gender, ability, neurotype, location or background. I just ask that you help make the group a good space, be that by complaining when everyone else is too polite to say anything or by listening or by sharing. Please don't worry that by joining you'll take up too much space or take resources away from someone who might need them more — you ARE our space and our resources!

The first step is, once we have at least a handful of people, to decide when and how often to meet.
I use @delta delta chat for its privacy and because it works with spotty internet and very little tech knowledge. It works on desktop and mobile. You can download the app from google's or apple's appstore or FDroid or their website delta.chat (watch me not get the preview to work)
It was super easy to make an account and didn't require anything other than a username - no phone number or email address (or password).

DM me for an invite, which is a link that you click to join the group. The group is invite only to keep out bots and abusers.

Please boost and share this post, including on other sites or however it works for you, or by talking about it and linking here.

#abuse #AbuseCulture #AbuseSurvivor #trauma #MentalHealth #MutualAid #CommunityCare #SelfCare #dissociation #csa #childAbuse #ElderAbuse #EatingDisorder #recovery #cult #CultRecovery #healing #empowerment #EmpowerWomen #growth #resist #rape #RapeCulture #RapeSurvivor #survivor

I'm on @delta delta chat now! I want to host a group for abuse survivors and those who question whether they were or are experiencing or witnessing abuse or coercive control or undue influence or someone is using power over them and retaliating against them when they don't "behave".

I myself survived childhood sexual abuse, incest, abuse by a cult, my therapist, psychiatry nurses, sibling, friends, queerplatonic partner/girlfriend, roommate and harrassment from a nazi neighbor plus landlords. I kinda got a bad start to life (in germany) and then people tended to make it worse instead of helping me or they took advantage of me.

So I learned a lot about what does and doesn't help!

And I want to help you out, whether you went through something you fear no one will believe or be able to stomach hearing about, or you think it was probably nothing and you overreact. You don't overreact! Nothing is too small to be worth talking about.

I'm making a space to have a warm, supportive, good vibes atmosphere that we co-create together. We'll help each other grow and see through confusions and distortions of the truth and gain more agency, to make choices, decisions and do stuff and have an impact on the world.

We'll also have fun and laugh and cry and eat cookies and discover what it's like to argue with someone who doesn't slice you to ribbons emotionally.

Anyone is welcome regardless of age, gender, ability, neurotype, location or background. I just ask that you help make the group a good space, be that by complaining when everyone else is too polite to say anything or by listening or by sharing. Please don't worry that by joining you'll take up too much space or take resources away from someone who might need them more — you ARE our space and our resources!

The first step is, once we have at least a handful of people, to decide when and how often to meet.
I use @delta delta chat for its privacy and because it works with spotty internet and very little tech knowledge. It works on desktop and mobile. You can download the app from google's or apple's appstore or FDroid or their website delta.chat (watch me not get the preview to work)
It was super easy to make an account and didn't require anything other than a username - no phone number or email address (or password).

DM me for an invite, which is a link that you click to join the group. The group is invite only to keep out bots and abusers.

Please boost and share this post, including on other sites or however it works for you, or by talking about it and linking here.

#abuse #AbuseCulture #AbuseSurvivor #trauma #MentalHealth #MutualAid #CommunityCare #SelfCare #dissociation #csa #childAbuse #ElderAbuse #EatingDisorder #recovery #cult #CultRecovery #healing #empowerment #EmpowerWomen #growth #resist #rape #RapeCulture #RapeSurvivor #survivor

I mean, I'd love a middle-ground, too, if it were possible.

It isn't. Not under these circumstances. Not with these people.

#AbuseCulture

Basically, Respectability Politics is a cycle of perpetual inadequacy.

#AbuseCulture

The underlying mind control mechanism acting in a victim's brain, before they realize this, is called Perpetual Inadequacy. You will always be striving to please an abuser (or a cult leader or an abusive class), but nothing you do can please them for long, if ever.

#AbuseCulture

"I want a middle ground on so many of these policies. But the fundamental problem is they do not."

Quote of the century.

We can measure the moment a person moves hard left by the moment they realize this.

This truth applies outside of politics, such is why I use the umbrella of abuse culture.

#AbuseCulture https://infosec.exchange/@pixelnull/115475971399294765

First time I saw this was on Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Now it's on Bet (the American reboot of Kakeguri).

#AbuseCulture

Ugh, I keep seeing the term "trauma bonding" be used to mean two people connecting after undergoing the same trauma.

NO. It means when a trauma VICTIM bonds with their ABUSER. (Formerly known as Stockholm Syndrome.)

It's just like how "learned helplessness" gets misused. I don't believe this type of re-defining happens on accident.

#AbuseCulture

@Tattie All manner of other aggressive behaviors are actively *encouraged* in boys from childhood. In sports, schooling, outdoors, dating, and in many cases they're encouraged to or rewarded for bullying so long as they don't take it too far or bully a higher status person. Later in the workplace. Rewards for aggressive social behaviors abound for most boys.

#AbuseCulture

@Tattie All manner of other aggressive behaviors are actively *encouraged* in boys from childhood. In sports, schooling, outdoors, dating, and in many cases they're encouraged to or rewarded for bullying so long as they don't take it too far or bully a higher status person. Later in the workplace. Rewards for aggressive social behaviors abound for most boys.

#AbuseCulture

This Newhart episode from 1987 nails why you shouldn't publicly debate fascists, eugenicists, flatearthers, or any type of all around anti-human or anti-science weenie.

(And Newhart isn't exactly a model leftist.)

Humanity has always known these things. We just have to keep re-learning it.

https://youtu.be/GSeAb8tjZsw

#antifa #AbuseCulture

This Newhart episode from 1987 nails why you shouldn't publicly debate fascists, eugenicists, flatearthers, or any type of all around anti-human or anti-science weenie.

(And Newhart isn't exactly a model leftist.)

Humanity has always known these things. We just have to keep re-learning it.

https://youtu.be/GSeAb8tjZsw

#antifa #AbuseCulture

The question to ask when someone says "I don't understand why [such and such]..." is:

Do you want to understand?

Don't start arguing. Don't start explaining.

Ask for an opt-in first, or else get them on the record stating that they'd prefer to be unempathetic and ignorant.

Yes or no. It puts the onus on them to defend an indefensible position, OR it transforms you into a helper who will help them understand rather than a verbal combatant.

Ask questions. Stay curious. Focus on shared values.

#AbuseCulture #antifascism

The question to ask when someone says "I don't understand why [such and such]..." is:

Do you want to understand?

Don't start arguing. Don't start explaining.

Ask for an opt-in first, or else get them on the record stating that they'd prefer to be unempathetic and ignorant.

Yes or no. It puts the onus on them to defend an indefensible position, OR it transforms you into a helper who will help them understand rather than a verbal combatant.

Ask questions. Stay curious. Focus on shared values.

#AbuseCulture #antifascism