please see/boost this: https://twoot.site/@yellow/115942349498909429
instead of of this post.
if you're a follower, sorry that I keep doing this, but it's one of the only ways I have of letting my feelings out. I'm just.... lost.
why do I have to be doomed to live with my mom... she knows exactly how to degrade me mentally and deeply affect me, and she uses it against me whenever she wants, whenever it's convenient...
she keeps insulting me and trying to hurt my feelings.
I cannot trust her anymore.
I cannot trust my own mom.
the person responsible for bringing me into this forsaken world doesn't want the responsibility of having to help me and be a good parent to their children.
all she knows to do is to martyrise herself. she "always did everything she could.". she "always did her best.".
lies. all lies.
and deep down she knows it. but her ego is too massive to even get that bit deep with her own emotions and face them.
I cannot keep living here, but I have literally no other option. I don't feel mentally capable of working a normal job, at all. what am I supposed to do with my life anymore?
what has my life come to? how did I end up like this? I turned 29 almost not even a week ago, and my life has been rewound back to the same way it was 5 years ago. all the years spent building a relationship, a future, everything is just gone. everything I depended on to be able to live minimally happy. gone. in a couple of text messages.
I'm so tired of giving 200% of the effort I can muster, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
just to make a little bit of progress and achieve something tiny in my life, like finally brushing my teeth after a week, or actually not forgetting to take my meds on time, or even the simple fact THAT I'M STILL MANAGING TO STAY ALIVE AND NOT END IT ALL, despite all the suffering I endure every single day. all of those things and basically EVERYTHING in my life is EXTREMELY difficult for me to do. just for basically everyone actually in my life in any matter (my family, and one friend, that's all my social interaction irl) to think that I'm simply lazy, or that I just don't want to work, etc., or like everyone in my family says now, that I need to be fucking HOSPITALIZED? because I'm deeply depressed??
what I need is to simply be happy. minimally happy. I need support. I need help. I will never be happy while living here.
the 3 months I lived in mainland Portugal were the best months of my life. I can't remember being any happier than that, I don't think I ever was.
and now I'm stuck on these fucking islands again.
no accessibility to anything at all in the slightest. I can't go anywhere or do anything without a car, which I can't afford to get. I rely on my freaking 75 YEAR OLD GRANDPA to drive me to the supermarket and to the pharmacy when I need it.
and when I can muster enough strength, enough force of will to be alive, and I overcome ONE step of being closer to being better......
....life ALWAYS just comes and punches me in the face, kicks me in the gut, and sets me back more than TEN steps.
it's a vicious cycle. and I can't seem to break out of it.
I need help. I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know how long I can endure living like this. I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired. some days ago I woke up and instantly started crying because I realized... "I have to go through all of this.... one more day... again..." and I really broke down crying.
I'm so desperate... why does the world have to be like this??? why would fucking money solve all of my problems???? why is it always about fucking money..... the entire world.... all of our lives.... are dictated by money....
and I can't fucking earn almost any at all for myself monthly.
would it be realistic/correct to try to get mutual aid or start a crowdfunding campaign, or anything of the sort, just so I could MAYBE, just maybe, start saving some money? I don't know, I'm lost. I don't know what to do anymore.
what the hell am I supposed to do with a life like this? I'm reaching a breaking point, I can't withstand this anymore.
can someone please help me? guide me? anything? I'm feeling so lost....
