Post · bonfire.cafe

These have been really difficult days. It's easy to feel no hope when your locus of control is zero. When you have no income, your locus of control is zero. In a capitalist society, this makes you, by definition, little more than an NPC, incapable of anything but scripted responses (unless you want to be seen as a crazy person, which I am tired enough no longer to mind).

Also, I'm sure that if you die, instead of accountability, somebody gets experience points.

Your compassion and generosity have been a lifesaver in these days. The first time I tried to get into Pittsburgh, I learned the bus ran only in the early morning and in the late afternoon. Incredibly, it was only 10 AM, and already my day was ruined. That was Wednesday.

Thursday, I was broke. And it was Thanksgiving. On a day celebrating the genocide of American Indigenous people, I considered the ways in which capitalism is designed to force us to destroy ourselves when we can no longer serve in the people-grinder that is the American workforce. It is a day to remember all that we must fight for and against.

I'm not sure when I was reminded about Venmo's existence for the second time, but I was dissociating so intensely that I ended the night as Joan with Pip, Carmen, and Chaz so exhausted they passed out. And I started getting this really bad headache that hasn't really gone away since. But Venmo existed, and you had come through for me big time. I could end Thursday much better off than I started it. And now, I think maybe I'll be OK for a week or so. As long as I don't get hit by too many surprises like the transportation one on Friday (see below).

At some point I got half the Budget money back, but my account is now overdrawn by $400, and now by $35 less thanks to a new GoFundMe donation that just came through. (I'd talked about this before in short, but I fought so hard for this that I'm still tired about it.) I'm not optimistic we'll get that checking account cleared soon, but I'm happy it's not as daunting a prospect now. The GoFundMe goal is currently to clear this final $400 deficit so I can use my bank account again.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/ellis-emergency-fund

#MutualAid #Pittsburgh #PublicTransit #SystemicFailure #TransCrowdfund #WritingCommunity #Capitalism #ActuallyAutistic #BudgetRentACar #Solidarity #PovertyTax

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(Continued from Post 1)

Friday I went out to Pittsburgh in the afternoon. That was nice. I was finally able to get to the city where I can do the things I came here to do! On my way to my first errand, I came across a car that had randomly stopped in the middle of the road with two Black teenagers inside seemingly passed out. I called an ambulance because no one was doing anything, and it wasn't safe to approach the vehicle in the middle of heavy traffic while Riko was attached to me.

Finally, another person who gave a shit came out—thank all the gods and spirits for Black women cuz the rest of us will just sit there and gawk at two teenagers having a medical emergency in blank confusion apparently. And when the ambulance came, they were able to get the driver to respond, whereupon I finally took my first breath in I-have-no-idea-how-long.

I heard people thanking me or whatever as I left, but I was powerwalking away once I knew those kids were OK. Because I was sobbing. Because I am not OK, and I don't understand why no one else could do anything so that I—the person on that street with the least—had to do the most, until my heroine arrived to take over.

I did one errand, and I was done. I went to turn back around, but this was when I realized another thing. I'd missed the last bus. You don't get special discounts for taking time to help others. Nah, no good act ever goes unpunished, and mine was to be left stranded in Pittsburgh and unable to return home to the place where I'm being permitted to stay right now.

Uber from Uptown Pittsburgh cost about $60 at that time and from that distance. So rather than take an Uber from there, I thought I'd take a bus that was arriving in ten minutes that would take me as far north as the Pittsburgh bus line went. Two hours later, the bus that was arriving in ten minutes still hadn't arrived. One bus driver explained this was due to Black Friday. A Yinzer waiting for the bus assured me that the excuse was bullshit and the failure of the bus was consistent. The result is that depending on public transportation in Pittsburgh isn't just a poverty tax in the form of time. It's potentially destructive to your life and career because you can lose your entire source of income just because your bus made you late to work now.

Unless it's Black Friday, and you've been waiting long enough at your stop that your phone has died. Then it's a no-show and likely an immediate termination.

Isn't it wonderful how public services are designed to make you dependent on systems that fail as often as they don't?

Four hours later, I was at the northernmost point reachable by a separate bus that did not fail to arrive. And I checked Uber to discover that the ride now cost me $80. Because apparently when you purposefully do things to lower the price of something, algorithms are now designed to obfuscate pricing practices so much that you can do everything right and still get charged twice as much for half as much as before.

I see a lot of Mutual Aid posts. Most of them do not expect to have income in 3-4 weeks. I cannot fucking fathom how one is expected to do anything like this, and I sincerely believe that most of you wouldn't either. That's on purpose. The vague instructions, the exaggerated consequences, the contempt, and the dehumanization.... They're all part of a strategy. And all our best intentions are rendered poisonous by these systems. We offer more disposable income to the disabled, prices go up to exceed any benefits. Subsidize small businesses, and taxes later that year rise enough to bankrupt your business.

In a capitalist society, every open window signals the slamming of two doors.

So tonight, I'm chilling at home. I'm translating my Urban Occult Punk essay to Spanish and starting a Substack I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing with yet. Then I have to figure out how to propose a blog to Psychology Today. I'm angry, and I can't do much, but I can write.

That, I can do. And I still have 7-to-10 business days to kill after all.

Thanks for sticking with me. I am barely holding it together, and it is thanks to the support of the people around me and of this amazing community. If I can validate some folks' experiences with my words or if I can make someone feel seen... I know that shit has saved my life before.

And you've saved my life a lot, so I'm delighted to be able to pay it forward.

For direct, immediate assistance, here are my Venmo and CashApp. I'm assured I'll remember these more when I am less stressed all the time.

CashApp: https://cash.app/$CeruleanArc
Venmo: https://venmo.com/joanburgos

Note: For transparency, I've been adding contributions to Venmo and other platforms as offline donations here since I do feel that they very much count towards this goal despite their use for non-directly-housing-related things.