I've struggled with depression my whole life. As it does, it's changed as I age. It's certainly gotten a lot more intense in the past ten years, because of things that have nothing to do with me.
I was doing an intake questionnaire with a mental health care provider recently, and when she asked if I ever felt down, depressed, or hopeless, the word "hopeless" made me laugh. A big, pealing belly laugh.. and I can't remember the last one I had before that.
It struck me so funny because right now, it seems that feeling hopeless isn't a useful indicator of disordered thinking. It's a rational response to living through multiple simultaneous existential crises.
That doesn't mean I think there isn't hope. On a personal level, I'm handling my depression much, much more effectively than I ever have in my life. And I'm heartened by my connections with good, loving people here, and in meatspace. Learning about other folks' efforts, and wins, is an immense boon to me.
But I live in the Northern Hemisphere, and winter is coming on, and I find the holidays particularly rough. I know they are for other people, too. So I just want to say.. you're not the only one who feels the way you do. We're all in this together, and you don't have to carry your burden alone.