Discussion
I suspect we have an absolute dearth of that third kind of friendship.
Of love. The true kind.
A huge amount of our social world is transactional, even when we don’t call it that. And when we have a use for someone, (research shows) empathy can switch off astonishingly quickly. They become more of a role to you than a person. ⚙️
Which is why things like the nuclear family can be such a perfect setup for bitterness and loneliness.
Being needed is not the same thing as being loved.
⬇️
In effect, we’re in a total Catch-22!
We’re not safe without people. But we’re not safe with them either.
This way, danger. That way, danger. ⬅️➡️
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
The number of humans living in this grey hinterland of doubt and paradox must be frankly astronomical. Longing for connection… moving towards it. Getting hurt… moving away again. Becoming desperately lonely… trying again. Getting hurt again.
⬇️
And then...
Enter autistic people. ♾️
Autistic people are very often described as lacking social motivation, or failing to connect in the “normal” way.
But autistic people do attach, often intensely. To animals, places, particular objects, music, nature, our creative work, or interests that can become whole worlds!
🐾 / 🎶 / 🌿
And yes, to other people too – in special circumstances and not necessarily in socially prescribed ways.
⬇️
Unlike humans, you see… animals, plants, objects, and code don’t suddenly decide they don’t like you, and judge you. Or gossip about you. They don’t unexpectedly withdraw their regard because you broke some invisible rule you didn’t know existed.
I’m actually even wondering whether there could be any intergenerational element to all this too…
If, over generations, reaching towards other humans gets indelibly associated with pain and danger – well, could it make quite a lot of sense to gradually stop doing that?
In any case, perhaps autistic ways of relating aren’t a failure to attach at all. Maybe our attachment is just seeking somewhere a bit safer.
💗
End of 🧵
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So going back to our nervous systems...
We’re a type of animal designed specifically to find safety in others of our kind. We’re not polar bears. Or alligators.
But yet we’ve built our social structures and norms in a way where humans aren’t safe together; to each other. Each of us is simply not safe to be around.
We’re being made to function on fear, not love.
⬇️