Discussion
I've been in some phase of total collapse of what passes for my routines in space I have no control over, for ~5 weeks. this includes the biggest circadian rhythm upset in... hmm, I want to say probably 10 years or more?
so far this year has been, not quite a disaster, but not good. productivity very low. oddly that's from a rising-tide perspective - I've earned more working than since probably the mid-late 2010s - but compared to what I need to be doing, it's not even treading water.
given my evolving situation since 2013, in many ways I was blessed to experience a bout of ultrarapid cycling during the mid 2010s followed by exposure to Zen practice, because I've done the reboot process literally hundreds of times and rarely waste any time getting upset about it.
return to long (relatively) slow depressive episodes since 2 years ago was unexpected, but I'm less ill-equipped to work on containing and preventing them than ever. it saps energy & focus to do so though.
a situation which doesn't lead to such episodes would be much better, but that's not the one I'm in, and it won't be until one of two things happens:
1. something external to my control changes it
2. enough things I do change it enough to tip the balance away from depression.
I struggled very badly from 2019 to 2024, literally ended up in the woods at one point, and never got depressed. so, I know it's possible to be thoroughly dipped in shit and avoid a bona fide depressive state.
anyway, I have some irons in the fire to tip those scales. one is in place and very likely helping, a few more weeks will confirm. one is mostly back in place. two more are going glacially due to low resources plus 5 weeks of disarray. another is shelved in part due to same.
as far as the upset goes, it is what it is. I'm on like my 7th recovery attempt. hunger times indicate circadian rhythm is trying to converge. desperate need for quiet available only late at night is an impediment.
once I can re-establish a minimum baseline of stability, I have a bunch of work already put in on self-management, ready to use consistently enough that it helps keep me on track. this is *years* of trial & error building systems which work (to a degree) to compensate for problems created by AuDHD, at least when basic stability is in place. the situation of having no personal space, no sensory filtering ability, and occasional nomadism in search of quiet is almost maximally non-ideal.
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