Hitting my limits. Willpower can only get a person so far. It's scary when I realize I'm making serious mistakes in traffic, can't do basic math, and can't make sense of what I'm doing.

I dogsat for some friends of mine while they went on a 3-week honeymoon overseas.

Thought when they got back, we'd be like yay so glad you had a great time and get back to our lives. First off, was not expecting the dogsitting itself to be so miserably filthy and claustrophobic. Also was not expecting the disastrous strain it's putting on my relationship.

And definitely was NOT expecting the aftermath of the honeymoon to involve an ambulance and one of my friends losing 5 toes. (Turns out, going on vacation when you're 80 is actually dangerous.)

Now stuck in a bleary purgatory where I don't know which place I might be sleeping in any given night, how much stuff to take with me, do I need to pack it all up again on 30min notice, when do I get to have a full night's sleep again much less actually do anything fun...

I have spent most of my life pretty isolated. Never had kids. Barely even babysat kids. Wasn't part of the care for my grandparents or great aunt. No pets of my own but fish. Now I am discovering how exhausting it is to take care of people (among other creatures), and how confounding it is to try to balance out my needs with those of others-- at what point do you decide you've got to take a break and they have GOT to find somebody else to help them with X thing, at what point do I step up when to step back etc.

I keep thinking about all the people who've been dealing with exponentially worse shit for years. Parenting and/or doing elder care while working and going to school, any of these while potentially dodging vehicle theft, evictions, or bombs in all too many places. So many people outright houseless or imprisoned. So many communities and families under this type of strain, lashing out at each other without the tools to emotionally regulate or communicate well. The center does not hold.

Exhaustion. I can't just power through not being able to think straight. Making mistakes, forgetting crucial things, in the midst of needing to take care of stuff that HAS to get done. So hard to maintain, and I'm lucky enough to have at least had some therapy and some meds and some truly awesome friends.

Our care is being taken away.

The erosion of healthcare and the lack of pay or support for caregiving in general is a disease of our society's very soul. Trying to organize, to fight, to get anything useful done, in the face of exhaustion and lack of resources and pain and lack of sleep and encroaching illness... The burnout, the despair.

Who can still bring us soup when we are sick? How much longer will there be any soup to bring?

Last night I experienced the amazing rapture of being able to open a cupboard and find things I needed to make a snack I was craving even though I was incredibly tired, and then I lay down somewhere familiar and comfortable and quiet to sleep. Only got about 5hrs of rest, but it felt like such luxury.

I haven't had my own room in almost 20 years. Don't have a vehicle, or a bed, or pants that fit. So lucky to have the things I do have. Wondering how many of us will ever get to have anything remotely like the lives we should've had.