every time my attention isn't directed, intense dysphoria (the driest most clinical wypipo way to describe it) returns, but directed attention fatigue and physical fatigue are perhaps the main feature of my daily life, so I can't really avoid giving it a lot of chances to pounce.
also a lot of it is cans I've been kicking down the road for years or decades and it seems maybe my ability to keep doing that has decided it's done.
