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Forgive me a self-indulgent thread. It's dark but I promise that will pass.
On exactly this day last year, I found out someone close to me had done something profoundly disturbing. Discovering this, and realising how his actions had been hidden from me over months of skilful manipulation, absolutely torpedoed my sanity. I've spent a lot of this year in dark places and more than once made serious plans to end my life.
It wasn't just one person - multiple people in my life knew what he had done, and therefore knew that his continued presence was extremely harmful to me. And they didn't tell me. One of my closest friends actively lied to cover for what he'd done.
As someone who prizes honesty and friendship above almost everything else, this fully wrecked me. I went pretty mad. In hindsight some of the things I did - and blogged about - were the actions of someone extremely unwell.
There were times when I genuinely couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone I loved, because I didn't trust anybody. I have never felt loneliness quite like it.
Luckily, at the time I was already in therapy (thanks NHS!) and I also had a few people in my life who were patient and kind enough to remind me I could trust them, even through the intense paranoia that came out of this. Others stepped up massively and went out of their way to give me love, support and care.
I felt so stupid, so pathetic, so utterly worthless and entirely unworthy of life. There were times when I believed I wouldn't be able to experience joy or even step out of the house again.
BUT. But but but but but.
This week I have been reflecting on how much difference a year makes and holy shit, the SCALE of how thoroughly I have recovered takes my breath away.
I have caught up with a couple of old friends this week and when they ask 'how are you?' I've been able to reply - with a huge grin and genuine, overjoyed sincerity: I AM GOOD.
I am GOOD. I am fucking thriving motherfuckers! I have made incredible new friends, and cemented bonds with old friends who I know I can trust. I am working hard and well and consistently. I am eating well and sleeping well and having an incredible time. I wake up every morning excited about the day.
For the first time in many years I feel genuinely secure - emotionally, physically, practically - and I look back and read all the unpublished blog posts I drafted during dark times and I want to take that woman and drag her here for a second so I can show her that there's light at the end of that grim, ugly tunnel.
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