This was quite interesting. Since being diagnosed I've had real battles with how I feel about it. In the beginning there was a tidal wave of relief. A life of feeling broken inside or different. To finally understand I'm OK and just wired differently, not wrong. Perhaps a chance to have a real conversation with myself that doesn't involve constant internal self-flagellation. But then came some strong resistance from the people in my life who I love and trust the most. It's not a real condition. I'm leaning into it. It's the medicalisation of the human condition and I'm just looking for attention. That was very very hard. Fedi was brilliant. But I continue to live with imposter syndrome. And the constant narrative in the press that I may have been misdiagnosed, or there is an overdiagnosis - maybe I am stupid. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe everyone is wrong and I am a broken boy. Even more so for wanting or daring to believe there's a reason for it all. And I'm back where I was 4 or 5 years ago. But looking at this article I'm reminded that there were soooo many assessments. So many different people. So many interviews and tests. With people stood in the corner of the room with clipboards whilst I undertook a series of physical tasks. At every stage there was a sense that so many people want to go through this process because they've seen something they identify with on social media. People seeking diagnosis. I pointed out at every stage I never asked about autism. I never even thought about it. I didn't even think I had autism and were they sure they wanted me to carry on with the process. And at the end of every stage, there was an emphatic yes. There is a range in the diagnostic assessment process (which is very very long and thorough, with people who have lots of fancy qualifications and who have spent their lives working to get to the stage of their career they're currently at). And if there's any sense it's inconclusive of they feel there's any question, then they do not diagnose. They say it's inconclusive. That they can't be 100% sure so don't confirm. They were very very clear with me (and in the subsequent reports) that there was absolutely no question. I was in the top range. The absolute best at autism. I don't know why. To be honest I still haven't really read it. I should probably do that, thinking about it. But I'm minded, reading articles like this..... how could so many people - so many people who are very highly paid doctors and scientists or whatever - how can so so many people over so many different assessments, get it wrong? I don't know what autism looks like. I'm just me. For the most part the me I've always been. And for a moment I had a chance to have a real identity. To accept myself and ask others to accept me. But all the time the narrative's that I'm a fool - misdiagnosed, deluded and just wanting attention - I won't know peace with it. The end. Sorry. Just wanted to get that out. X
A split in the spectrum? The ongoing battle to define autism
