Black Friday isn’t a holiday, it’s a heist. A glittery, discount-code-waving distraction where billionaires convince you that buying a $12 toaster you don’t need is a victory.

Spoiler: The only people winning are the ones who already have more money than God.

Jeff Bezos doesn’t need your $12. But the local bookstore? Your favorite indie artist? The weird little shop down the street that sells handmade candles that smell like a vacation in Scandinavia? They do.