I literally cannot keep living like this. I can't do this anymore, I can't. I don't have any other option, I'm completely out of options.
I'm a very dysfunctional person. I'm 28, trans but can't even start HRT yet, I'm extremely neurodivergent but the only diagnosis I ever got was "anxiety disorder", which doesn't even explain half of my behaviors and the way I feel. life is a huge burden, and I'm constantly tired of it being so hard to simply be alive.
I have nowhere to live because my mom is a narcissistic manipulative psychopath, who doesn't understand that my mental issues are not like hers and doesn't understand that I live my life the "wrong way" because I literally am giving it my all to be able to even fucking stay alive. I live like I do because that's the only way I can cope with the burden of being alive, every minute in my life is harder and harder to get through. I wish I was different, I really really do, but I'm not, I'm just not, I'm heavily flawed, and I need help, not the opposite. I knew having to live with her again would be impossible. my dad also doesn't understand my mental issues at all, he won't even accept me living in his home because I don't have a job... no one in my family understands that there's literally nothing in the world that I want more than to be able to live a "normal life", have a job, be able to not depend on their money for everything, etc. there's nothing I want more than that, but they always bring it back to the problem being that I stay up late, and/or don't have a job, and/or never leave the house (not true!! but I don't even have a single friend so it's way harder) and/or because I smoke weed/hash (which is literally one of the ONLY things I've found that slightly helps me be able to tolerate being alive) which is extremely hard to get and very weak quality anyways.
I am completely out of options. I'm just constantly thinking about just ending my life, but I'm too afraid of the pain, or to be found in the middle of it and have severe consequences from it. if I had access to a gun, I would've done it already. the only reason I haven't done it yet is because I'm a coward and afraid of suffering, simply put.
I have literally less than a euro in my bank account + paypal, and in prolific (the platform where I make all my money from, less than 50 euros a month on average) I have around 5€ which I can't withdraw yet.
I cannot continue to live in this house, I don't have literally anywhere else I can go, I'm lost, without anyone that cares enough to actually help.
I'm still waiting for a psychiatrist appointment (until august 12th.....) to TRY and get some actual diagnosis of my mental illnesses, (and change my meds to something more effective) because the only option for me to not depend on my family to give me money (of which only my GRANDPARENTS and my GREAT AUNT (on my dad's side) do anyways.... and even they use the fact they give me money to expect more from me... when I've already explained hundreds of times to everyone, I'm already giving I can do, every day is a huge battle.) is for the government to give me some kind of disability allowance(? I don't know the correct term), but the process of getting that will be daunting and hard. and until then, what am I to do with my life?? it could, and probably will, take several months to get it.... there's so much bureaucracy to go through...
I just wish I could have everything I need to live a minimally not stressful life. I don't even ask for happiness anymore, I just want to be able to live without constant awful anxiety, and being always extremely depressed and lethargic.
the months I lived in mainland Portugal were the best of my life. but I had everything swept off my feet... I became single, and had to come back to the islands....
and it would be a lot better if I had my own place/room in an apartment (not family), even here, but I have no other option. I don't have any money. I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't want to have to ask strangers on the internet to give me money, that is so painfully pathetic.... but I once again have no idea what else I could do, I'm extremely lucky there are so many really good and pure hearted people in the fediverse, and I'm going to feel in debt to all of you forever, for everyone who ever helped me monetarily. I truly, from the bottom of my heart, wish that I one day can donate money to people who need it, like I do right now.
I really hate this, the fact that money has the power to save my life right now....but only a stupid large amount of it..... why has the world got to be like this??? I just want to be in peace....
I don't know what else to say, I hope I was clear enough, I did my best to get my thoughts into words, but it's really hard for me to do so. if you have any questions whatsoever, I'll answer you
so I'm asking for your help, because I don't want my life to end yet, but I have nothing I can do differently...
if you can afford it, could you please send some money my way? I'll be eternally grateful and you'll be helping me save my life.
please boost, share, etc. I really need all the help I can get...