Just thinking back about the benefits appointment that ended less than 10 minutes ago I seemed to be doing better according to them. I actually was writing just before, to create and lose myself in it helps clear the mind, express myself and maybe just escape my doubts, fears and negativity.

I was thinking and working on stories because I needed to create and that led me to not thinking about all the things I'm thinking about now as I write this. My worries of the future, my incompleteness, my never being enough in multiple ways, all my mistakes and scars...

When I write, when I experience, I can just hold something from within me that I don't know what it is or where it came from. I'm not sure how feeling I am still but holding this part of me maybe it means something.

I just hate I need to find a way to monetise it, to find a way to use it to survive instead of just using it to hopefully allow me to thrive. A bleak world when you look at it like that but when I hold this pearl from within my shell maybe things can be okay. Maybe I can make life work even if I keep doubting it. Maybe that part of me is something special and can offer something to this world and ideally to myself...