The evidence for the historicity of the “Founding Fathers” in the state religion of ancient USia is poor at best. The surviving fragments of the declaration of independence and constitution show evidence of heavy redaction over the generations following the fall of the First Wmpire. The Euhemeristic thesis—that myths stem from a kernel of historical truth was explicitly embraced by the Senators (a local term for high priests) of the second-empire-period congress, and used as a means of ideological control, beginning from a young age. Religious observances such as the display of the Ten Amendments in schools, the continual preparation for the Active Shooter Rapture, and the Pledge of Consumption formed the core of an apocalyptic prophecy that led the culture to its own extinction. In this paper we argue that recent archaeological excavations show