Ever feel like there used to be some goal that you were working towards, and then suddenly that just kind of goes away for no reason?

I think that's the TLDR version of what happened to me about a year ago. It first manifested as a profound sense of failure, and of losing the last shred of hope for... something.

I think part of it is that I've always had this idea somewhere in the back of my head that if I worked hard enough and just kept going, eventually it would be possible for me and a bunch of friends to all be collected in one place and to sometimes (regularly or irregularly) get together to be creative or plan or just talk and sort things out.

Maybe it was the fact of turning 60, back in May, though I feel like the dropoff started before that. I'm sure the f# #king election didn't help, but that wasn't all of it either.

I went back on escitalopram for awhile, which took away the crying jags but made me feel disconnected from everything and also kind of muffled any shred of enthusiasm I might have otherwise been able to pull together. I napped a lot, and my ability to focus was even worse than usual. I started to dread having to run errands, because I never felt ready or even really fully awake in a way.

I went back off the escit in mid-October and the jags haven't come back, but in some ways I feel just as muffled and numb as when I was taking it.

I'm still working on stuff, but it feels a lot like any goals I might have keep getting two steps further away for every step forward.

I'm sure I'll work through this eventually. I know from past experience that just venting like this sometimes helps.

I just miss... the hope of something which maybe I'm just not capable of actually appreciating when it's there. I have a partner who cares -- I'm hardly alone. Why do I feel alone? WTF is wrong with me??